after everything you've done, i don't thing its too big of a favor to get the fuck out of this house. youre a fake, lying piece of shit... and you disgust me. you literally make me want to throw up. why is it so hard for you to leave us alone... you have a shit hole to go live in.... go fuck there.
disgusting, fake people fucking eachother. bodies thrusting to the beat of SHAME. but you cant tell the fucking difference, cause youre an IDIOT. i promise, you'll be the ones to send me over the edge.
im sick of you. get out of my face.
i would even venture to say i hate you.
i hate you.
do you realize how much shit i talk about you to my therapist, and my best friend,??
you cant even call it shit.,.. cause its true.
so get away from me..
and this time,
fucking STAY AWAY.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
you don't like it? i don't care. :)
Psalm 107:19
They cried to the LORD in their trouble, and He saved them from their distress.
Psalm 136:1
Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good. His love endures forever.
Psalm 141:8
...my eyes are fixed on you, O Sovereign LORD;...
1Corinthians 13:13
And now, these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
2Corinthians 4:7
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.
2Corinthians 3:17
Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only begotten son that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but shall have eternal life.
i dont remember where this one came from... Romans somewhere i think...
but if you confess with your mouth, and believe in your heart the Jesus Christ is your Creator, Lord and Savior, you shall be saved.
:D
They cried to the LORD in their trouble, and He saved them from their distress.
Psalm 136:1
Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good. His love endures forever.
Psalm 141:8
...my eyes are fixed on you, O Sovereign LORD;...
1Corinthians 13:13
And now, these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
2Corinthians 4:7
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.
2Corinthians 3:17
Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only begotten son that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but shall have eternal life.
i dont remember where this one came from... Romans somewhere i think...
but if you confess with your mouth, and believe in your heart the Jesus Christ is your Creator, Lord and Savior, you shall be saved.
:D
me or you... maybe us?
well, how does it feel to be used? you memorized the lyrics so you could sing the songs, but you don't feel a thing. what good is that?? you need to write your own song. then maybe you won't look like such a fraud. you're just whoring yourself around this stage so you'll seem to others like youre alive. i see right through you though. "it's your persistance that makes me sick"
you know i've caught you redhanded. i've witnessed the vacancy of your story. and you keep going, fully knowing that i could kill you at any moment. "what did you think i would say? 'no, you can't run away?' you wouldnt." and im not here to hurt you. i fear for your life. sooner or later, you'll get found out. "give up acting unaware. you can't ignore the crime." dry your eyes. just because im the first, and won't be the last, doesn't mean it's over. sing as loud as you can... but not the songs that you know. the ones you spent so much time learning... they do not belong to you. sing whatever comes out. "you should speak while they're still listening." you can breathe. ( L )
but it still makes me sick. i want you to stop because you laugh in the face of everyone who ever broke over those knives. those tears on your face are real... but they werent five minutes ago, before i called you out. "you can paint the picture pretty, but it serves as no disguise"
i love you. but i hate what you do. you're wrong and you know that you are, but you'll never face it, will you?
"this circle never ends, and its time you just face it. don't pretend that it's over"
im not closing the conversation this time..... heh heh. "there is nothing underneath the sun without you."
you don't understand the joke.. it's okay, i forgive you. i can't change my font back to verdana right now. OH, nevermind. :P
now i just can't let you go. "i won't let you give up on a miracle.. when it might save you." no, it WILL save you. i know it will save you. i don't agree to let you drown, no matter how much you want to. it makes me want to cry. i feel so alone, when you're tugging at my sleeve. no, youre violently pulling me back to safety. it's the only violence i've ever been thankful for. "it's sink or swim"
you won't let me sink. even though i want to. and i thank you for this. thank you. for loving me, even when i don't love you. for catching my word vomit when no one else can. thank you for letting me fall down and letting me bleed on your sheets. for holding me. for being mine. for making me yours. for letting me live.
for being everything i'll ever need. (L) i love you.
you know i've caught you redhanded. i've witnessed the vacancy of your story. and you keep going, fully knowing that i could kill you at any moment. "what did you think i would say? 'no, you can't run away?' you wouldnt." and im not here to hurt you. i fear for your life. sooner or later, you'll get found out. "give up acting unaware. you can't ignore the crime." dry your eyes. just because im the first, and won't be the last, doesn't mean it's over. sing as loud as you can... but not the songs that you know. the ones you spent so much time learning... they do not belong to you. sing whatever comes out. "you should speak while they're still listening." you can breathe. ( L )
but it still makes me sick. i want you to stop because you laugh in the face of everyone who ever broke over those knives. those tears on your face are real... but they werent five minutes ago, before i called you out. "you can paint the picture pretty, but it serves as no disguise"
i love you. but i hate what you do. you're wrong and you know that you are, but you'll never face it, will you?
"this circle never ends, and its time you just face it. don't pretend that it's over"
im not closing the conversation this time..... heh heh. "there is nothing underneath the sun without you."
you don't understand the joke.. it's okay, i forgive you. i can't change my font back to verdana right now. OH, nevermind. :P
now i just can't let you go. "i won't let you give up on a miracle.. when it might save you." no, it WILL save you. i know it will save you. i don't agree to let you drown, no matter how much you want to. it makes me want to cry. i feel so alone, when you're tugging at my sleeve. no, youre violently pulling me back to safety. it's the only violence i've ever been thankful for. "it's sink or swim"
you won't let me sink. even though i want to. and i thank you for this. thank you. for loving me, even when i don't love you. for catching my word vomit when no one else can. thank you for letting me fall down and letting me bleed on your sheets. for holding me. for being mine. for making me yours. for letting me live.
for being everything i'll ever need. (L) i love you.
Friday, February 6, 2009
so, here i am, listening to framing hanley's 23 days. my head is throbbing, and im confused. don't ask me why. i couldn't tell you.
"in your eyes, i thought i saw tomorrow. now all i see is wasted time."
i think im in a cycle, but theres no way to be sure. not anymore. not since the new drugs. risperidone...... what the hell is that?? oh well.
if it means i can spend a night sleeping, rather than panicking and crying and screaming and wishing i were dead. but wait... i think that's what it did to me.
my brain is a mystery. not even i have it figured out. the pieces are being twisted and turned, rotated and spun around.
it's a dance we learned at an age
far too young.
"in your eyes, i thought i saw tomorrow. now all i see is wasted time."
i think im in a cycle, but theres no way to be sure. not anymore. not since the new drugs. risperidone...... what the hell is that?? oh well.
if it means i can spend a night sleeping, rather than panicking and crying and screaming and wishing i were dead. but wait... i think that's what it did to me.
my brain is a mystery. not even i have it figured out. the pieces are being twisted and turned, rotated and spun around.
it's a dance we learned at an age
far too young.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Dearest Pills......
are you sure we should be here?.....of course im sure........ but it seems kind of dangerous............ just trust me. we're fine. come on. i'll hold your hand if you want............ okay but............... but noooothing. you're going to be just fine. all you have to do is let go....
well, i let go. i said okay, and i gave in to you, and now, only now that i know who you really are, can i realize that i need to get out of here, away from you, away from myself. if only i had known.... i think back today, my first day clean since God knows when, and realize what you did to me. you killed me in so many ways. you blinded me. you muted me. YOU KILLED ME, BROKE ME, TORE ME TO PIECES. if i had said no to you that very first day.. i might not be struggling to type this because my hands are shaking from withdrawal. i might not be wondering if i'm suicidial. i might not be deciding that i am, then cycling into a new plan. I. MIGHT. NOT. BE. HERE.
or should that have ended with a question mark?? who knows. you decide.
you decided everything else for me. you decided that i would start cutting myself, drinking, and taking other drugs that could kill me on the spot, lash out at everyone i love and care about, try to kill myself NUMEROUS times, have countless panic attacks, make myself available to fckn SATAN.... (i rebuke you. you have no place here. the battle is already won. i am victorious in christ, because christ is the light, and where there is light, there can be no darkness). well, now i think im going to make a decision for once. i've decided that i hate you. and that i want you out of my life. i've decided that my salvation starts RIGHT NOW. i've decided that you have no power over me. i've decided that i need help. i've decided that i need help to gather the courage to get help. i've decided that i'm angry about that. i've decided that that's okay. i've decided that you were right....
you were right, i do need to let go... but not the way you wanted me to. i dont need to let go of everything i love. i need to let go of you. i need to let go of my heart, and break down the walls i've spent years building up to keep me safe, and let God take care of it. His plan is perfect...
i just forget sometimes.
but oh, i don't want to forget.
but i do. i can't keep myself in one place. i have to leave, but i dont want to go anywhere.
please hold me. keep me here.
i don't want to be lost anymore. i miss my daddy. my God.
i want to feel like an innocent child, holding my Father's hand, as we walk through the dark forest that is the world, and not being afraid because i know He is a light unto my path.
i just want to be whole, and innocent again.
is there any hope?
well, i let go. i said okay, and i gave in to you, and now, only now that i know who you really are, can i realize that i need to get out of here, away from you, away from myself. if only i had known.... i think back today, my first day clean since God knows when, and realize what you did to me. you killed me in so many ways. you blinded me. you muted me. YOU KILLED ME, BROKE ME, TORE ME TO PIECES. if i had said no to you that very first day.. i might not be struggling to type this because my hands are shaking from withdrawal. i might not be wondering if i'm suicidial. i might not be deciding that i am, then cycling into a new plan. I. MIGHT. NOT. BE. HERE.
or should that have ended with a question mark?? who knows. you decide.
you decided everything else for me. you decided that i would start cutting myself, drinking, and taking other drugs that could kill me on the spot, lash out at everyone i love and care about, try to kill myself NUMEROUS times, have countless panic attacks, make myself available to fckn SATAN.... (i rebuke you. you have no place here. the battle is already won. i am victorious in christ, because christ is the light, and where there is light, there can be no darkness). well, now i think im going to make a decision for once. i've decided that i hate you. and that i want you out of my life. i've decided that my salvation starts RIGHT NOW. i've decided that you have no power over me. i've decided that i need help. i've decided that i need help to gather the courage to get help. i've decided that i'm angry about that. i've decided that that's okay. i've decided that you were right....
you were right, i do need to let go... but not the way you wanted me to. i dont need to let go of everything i love. i need to let go of you. i need to let go of my heart, and break down the walls i've spent years building up to keep me safe, and let God take care of it. His plan is perfect...
i just forget sometimes.
but oh, i don't want to forget.
but i do. i can't keep myself in one place. i have to leave, but i dont want to go anywhere.
please hold me. keep me here.
i don't want to be lost anymore. i miss my daddy. my God.
i want to feel like an innocent child, holding my Father's hand, as we walk through the dark forest that is the world, and not being afraid because i know He is a light unto my path.
i just want to be whole, and innocent again.
is there any hope?
Monday, February 2, 2009
Going through the motions, i'm not sure what's real anymore.
you've been gone so long. you left with no word of goodbye. and i miss you.
did you really have to do that?
i slam the door and leave, and thank God i didnt just punch you in the face.
i hang up the phone while you're still talking, and thank God i didnt just scream, "fuck you."
you wait. you sit there and look at me, waiting for me to calm down.
i feel stupid.
we roll like thunder between the sheets.
you're beneath me, our hearts pounding almost out of our chests, pressed close together.
i tell you i want you.
then you turn away. you gently turn so i fall onto the space beside you, and you walk away.
i want to say i'm sorry, but i'm wasted, and i can't get those words to come from my mouth.
next frame.
i burst through a door into your house. i can't breathe. i start to walk around, to find you.
then it's too much. i fall to the floor, collapsing in a dark corner. i pull my knees up to my chest, and take hold of big chunks of hair on my head, and start pulling. then, the screaming comes. i feel it rising in my throat like vomit. i try to hold it, but it keeps coming. i'm swearing and still pulling my hair out when you stumble into the room, sleep still in your eyes. you come closer to me, reaching out to put your hand on my shoulder, but i start shaking violently. my hands move from my head, to right in front of me. i upturn my palm, and start digging my fingernails on my other hand into my wrists. i can feel them breaking the skin. i drag them across, feel the familiar sting of everything that breaks inside when i lose myself. then, i wait. in mental silence. i don't think. not until the blood starts forming in little pools, then floods out from the exposed canals of flesh, across my wrist, then drips onto the floor.
thats when you start to panic.
you grab my shoulders and shake me, yelling, "you cant do this. just stop it. just breathe. look at me. breahte."
you hold me. i let my head rest on your shoulder. i sob, and you just hold me. you just hold me, and let me
cry. my eyes are shut tight, but it doesnts stop tears from rushing out endlessly, staining your shirt.
next frame.
you laughed with me. you shared your cigarettes with me. you shared everything with me. you took me to the park to cloudgaze.
you were everything.
we were never romantic. just two messed up kids, who needed one another.
how could you hurt someone you claimed to love so much, so badly??
i didnt know you would break me like this.
when i got the news, your words hit me like bullets.
they HURT. you wrote it all over the walls.
you chased your mother away. you alienated everything in my life, except for me,
ALL FOR THIS??
you're a jerk. a fraud. a loser.
but i love you so much.
my unbiological twin brother. my best friend. my shoulder to cry on.
i should break that fucking shoulder.
but i won't have the chance.
Nathaniel Robert Davis,
I hate you, I love you, I miss you, I need you.
I WANT TO HURT YOU.
THE WAY YOU HURT ME.
but you killed yourself, and everything you said you would never let go of.
today is just one of those days where it hurts me to breathe, and i hate you for it.
thanks for that.
you've been gone so long. you left with no word of goodbye. and i miss you.
did you really have to do that?
i slam the door and leave, and thank God i didnt just punch you in the face.
i hang up the phone while you're still talking, and thank God i didnt just scream, "fuck you."
you wait. you sit there and look at me, waiting for me to calm down.
i feel stupid.
we roll like thunder between the sheets.
you're beneath me, our hearts pounding almost out of our chests, pressed close together.
i tell you i want you.
then you turn away. you gently turn so i fall onto the space beside you, and you walk away.
i want to say i'm sorry, but i'm wasted, and i can't get those words to come from my mouth.
next frame.
i burst through a door into your house. i can't breathe. i start to walk around, to find you.
then it's too much. i fall to the floor, collapsing in a dark corner. i pull my knees up to my chest, and take hold of big chunks of hair on my head, and start pulling. then, the screaming comes. i feel it rising in my throat like vomit. i try to hold it, but it keeps coming. i'm swearing and still pulling my hair out when you stumble into the room, sleep still in your eyes. you come closer to me, reaching out to put your hand on my shoulder, but i start shaking violently. my hands move from my head, to right in front of me. i upturn my palm, and start digging my fingernails on my other hand into my wrists. i can feel them breaking the skin. i drag them across, feel the familiar sting of everything that breaks inside when i lose myself. then, i wait. in mental silence. i don't think. not until the blood starts forming in little pools, then floods out from the exposed canals of flesh, across my wrist, then drips onto the floor.
thats when you start to panic.
you grab my shoulders and shake me, yelling, "you cant do this. just stop it. just breathe. look at me. breahte."
you hold me. i let my head rest on your shoulder. i sob, and you just hold me. you just hold me, and let me
cry. my eyes are shut tight, but it doesnts stop tears from rushing out endlessly, staining your shirt.
next frame.
you laughed with me. you shared your cigarettes with me. you shared everything with me. you took me to the park to cloudgaze.
you were everything.
we were never romantic. just two messed up kids, who needed one another.
how could you hurt someone you claimed to love so much, so badly??
i didnt know you would break me like this.
when i got the news, your words hit me like bullets.
they HURT. you wrote it all over the walls.
you chased your mother away. you alienated everything in my life, except for me,
ALL FOR THIS??
you're a jerk. a fraud. a loser.
but i love you so much.
my unbiological twin brother. my best friend. my shoulder to cry on.
i should break that fucking shoulder.
but i won't have the chance.
Nathaniel Robert Davis,
I hate you, I love you, I miss you, I need you.
I WANT TO HURT YOU.
THE WAY YOU HURT ME.
but you killed yourself, and everything you said you would never let go of.
today is just one of those days where it hurts me to breathe, and i hate you for it.
thanks for that.
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