Going through the motions, i'm not sure what's real anymore.
you've been gone so long. you left with no word of goodbye. and i miss you.
did you really have to do that?
i slam the door and leave, and thank God i didnt just punch you in the face.
i hang up the phone while you're still talking, and thank God i didnt just scream, "fuck you."
you wait. you sit there and look at me, waiting for me to calm down.
i feel stupid.
we roll like thunder between the sheets.
you're beneath me, our hearts pounding almost out of our chests, pressed close together.
i tell you i want you.
then you turn away. you gently turn so i fall onto the space beside you, and you walk away.
i want to say i'm sorry, but i'm wasted, and i can't get those words to come from my mouth.
next frame.
i burst through a door into your house. i can't breathe. i start to walk around, to find you.
then it's too much. i fall to the floor, collapsing in a dark corner. i pull my knees up to my chest, and take hold of big chunks of hair on my head, and start pulling. then, the screaming comes. i feel it rising in my throat like vomit. i try to hold it, but it keeps coming. i'm swearing and still pulling my hair out when you stumble into the room, sleep still in your eyes. you come closer to me, reaching out to put your hand on my shoulder, but i start shaking violently. my hands move from my head, to right in front of me. i upturn my palm, and start digging my fingernails on my other hand into my wrists. i can feel them breaking the skin. i drag them across, feel the familiar sting of everything that breaks inside when i lose myself. then, i wait. in mental silence. i don't think. not until the blood starts forming in little pools, then floods out from the exposed canals of flesh, across my wrist, then drips onto the floor.
thats when you start to panic.
you grab my shoulders and shake me, yelling, "you cant do this. just stop it. just breathe. look at me. breahte."
you hold me. i let my head rest on your shoulder. i sob, and you just hold me. you just hold me, and let me
cry. my eyes are shut tight, but it doesnts stop tears from rushing out endlessly, staining your shirt.
next frame.
you laughed with me. you shared your cigarettes with me. you shared everything with me. you took me to the park to cloudgaze.
you were everything.
we were never romantic. just two messed up kids, who needed one another.
how could you hurt someone you claimed to love so much, so badly??
i didnt know you would break me like this.
when i got the news, your words hit me like bullets.
they HURT. you wrote it all over the walls.
you chased your mother away. you alienated everything in my life, except for me,
ALL FOR THIS??
you're a jerk. a fraud. a loser.
but i love you so much.
my unbiological twin brother. my best friend. my shoulder to cry on.
i should break that fucking shoulder.
but i won't have the chance.
Nathaniel Robert Davis,
I hate you, I love you, I miss you, I need you.
I WANT TO HURT YOU.
THE WAY YOU HURT ME.





but you killed yourself, and everything you said you would never let go of.
today is just one of those days where it hurts me to breathe, and i hate you for it.
thanks for that.