Dearest Pills......

are you sure we should be here?.....of course im sure........ but it seems kind of dangerous............ just trust me. we're fine. come on. i'll hold your hand if you want............ okay but............... but noooothing. you're going to be just fine. all you have to do is let go....

well, i let go. i said okay, and i gave in to you, and now, only now that i know who you really are, can i realize that i need to get out of here, away from you, away from myself. if only i had known.... i think back today, my first day clean since God knows when, and realize what you did to me. you killed me in so many ways. you blinded me. you muted me. YOU KILLED ME, BROKE ME, TORE ME TO PIECES. if i had said no to you that very first day.. i might not be struggling to type this because my hands are shaking from withdrawal. i might not be wondering if i'm suicidial. i might not be deciding that i am, then cycling into a new plan. I. MIGHT. NOT. BE. HERE.
or should that have ended with a question mark?? who knows. you decide.
you decided everything else for me. you decided that i would start cutting myself, drinking, and taking other drugs that could kill me on the spot, lash out at everyone i love and care about, try to kill myself NUMEROUS times, have countless panic attacks, make myself available to fckn SATAN.... (i rebuke you. you have no place here. the battle is already won. i am victorious in christ, because christ is the light, and where there is light, there can be no darkness). well, now i think im going to make a decision for once. i've decided that i hate you. and that i want you out of my life. i've decided that my salvation starts RIGHT NOW. i've decided that you have no power over me. i've decided that i need help. i've decided that i need help to gather the courage to get help. i've decided that i'm angry about that. i've decided that that's okay. i've decided that you were right....
you were right, i do need to let go... but not the way you wanted me to. i dont need to let go of everything i love. i need to let go of you. i need to let go of my heart, and break down the walls i've spent years building up to keep me safe, and let God take care of it. His plan is perfect...
i just forget sometimes.
but oh, i don't want to forget.
but i do. i can't keep myself in one place. i have to leave, but i dont want to go anywhere.
please hold me. keep me here.
i don't want to be lost anymore. i miss my daddy. my God.
i want to feel like an innocent child, holding my Father's hand, as we walk through the dark forest that is the world, and not being afraid because i know He is a light unto my path.
i just want to be whole, and innocent again.

is there any hope?